Understanding
by cheeza
Summary: Max thinks about Alec after the Berrisford Agenda.


A/N: Hey, before we get to the fic, I'm starting a M/A fanfiction archive and I need some help:  
  
Firstly, I need a name for the site! So try to come up with some title ideas and let me know.  
  
Secondly, for any good fanfiction archive, we do in fact need fanfiction. So, if you'd like me to put your fics up on the site then send them to me!  
  
E-mail me at: visitme@theloonybin03.fsnet.co.uk  
  
Thanks,  
  
Theresa * * * * * * *  
  
Title: Understanding Disclaimer: I'd love to say they were mine (especially Alec) but I'd be lying. DA belongs to James Cameron and his cronies. Spoilers: The Berrisford Agenda  
  
A/N2: This is just a short piece written in 15 minutes so I could make the announcement above!  
  
I love the Space Needle. I don't know why. Maybe because everything looks so peaceful from up here, beautiful even. Maybe it's because it's the one place I can feel safe. Up here I feel untouchable. No one can reach me. I don't have to pretend here. I don't have to be strong or know what I'm doing. I can just be me. Or maybe it's because I can think up here. A quiet place to worry about all my problems. An escape from the real world.  
  
But tonight's different. I'm not worrying about me or the virus or White's latest plans to kill me. I'm not worrying about OC or Sketchy, Logan or even the thousands of Transgenic's out there I feel responsible for. All I can think about is one thing. Something I never thought I'd be here worrying about.  
  
Alec.  
  
I've been so stupid. I didn't really see him before. If I'm being honest, I didn't really want to. Ever since I met him, I've blamed him for everything going wrong in my life. And deep down, I know it isn't his fault. I blamed him for the virus but he wasn't the one who got Logan shot. He didn't make the virus and he didn't inject the damn thing into my body. But I blamed him. And I've been doing it ever since. I guess I thought he could take it. It was easier to blame him, be angry at him, because if I didn't then it would.I don't know.make everything more real. Like, if I'm not fighting him I'm just giving up. I didn't say it made any sense.  
  
I never once thought about what he was thinking, feeling. I figured I could lash out at him time and time again and he'd just take it. Be my emotional, and let's face it physical, punch-bag. You'd think that I'd be able to see a Manticore 'feelings are a weakness' wall when I saw one, given that I've been living behind mine my entire life. I should have seen through his 'tricks and treats.' It's so easy to underestimate Joshua, but sometimes I think he's smarter than all of us. He saw past all of Alec's 'bright colors'. He could see Alec's confusion and pain.  
  
It was really scary seeing him like that in Crash. So shut off. Like he had regressed back into his Manticore state of mind. I'm so used to seeing charming, cocky Alec. And I was scared for him. I know what it's like always running and hiding, trying to forget all the awful things they made us do. I wish I could take that from him. He shouldn't have to feel that way.  
  
Seeing him with Rachel was so.I could feel how much pain he was in and it was unbearable. He knows what it feels like to lose someone he loves. I really hate Manticore for what they've done to him. He shouldn't have to live with something like that. They used to call us animals, but he was so gentle with her.  
  
And then in Jam Pony her hid behind his 'I'm always alright' line. I understand though. He's a soldier. Trained to believe that emotions are a weakness and punished for having them. That's where everyone else doesn't get it. We're soldiers. It's inside us. We can run from it but it's always gonna be there. Logan thinks that we can change. We don't have to be that way anymore. And for a while, I did too. But just because Manticore isn't still standing, doesn't mean it's not inside us. It's always gonna be there, haunting us. It is for me and Alec has an extra ten years of pain and torture to carry about with him.  
  
I remember when I escaped the first time. Everything was so confusing. No one to take orders from, no rules to follow. I mean that was part of the reason we left, but without the discipline, we were lost. We came into the real world, hoping for freedom and to an extent we got it, but we had to sacrifice who we were. We had to pretend to me normal. And it was hard. Hell, it still is, but for those first few months, everything was so new and I was so alone. I couldn't trust anyone; I didn't have anyone to show me how to get by.  
  
I guess I never believed it would be the same for Alec. I was just a kid. But everything I felt, he must be feeling the same. The loneliness, the confusion, the pain of trying to forget what they did to us. And I should have been there for him. I didn't have anyone around me that knew what I was going through. But he does and I was such a bitch to him, telling him he was a screw-up and that I wished I'd never met him. I should have been there. And now I will be.  
  
He doesn't want pity, he doesn't need someone treating him like he's about to break. He needs a friend. And I really haven't been that to him so far. Things are going to go on the same. If he wants to forget, I have to respect that. There are some things that, even now, I try not to remember. But I'll be his friend and eventually he'll know that I'm here if he needs me. Until then, I just have to wait.  
  
*** Let me know if it was okay by hitting the review button below or by e- mailing me at:  
  
visitme@theloonybin03.fsnet.co.uk 


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